My friends, and though I’ve known you for only a short time I’d like to consider you as my friends. I have a secret. Something that I have told no one else and that you must solemnly promise never to reveal to anyone, even under threat of torture.

I have Superhuman powers. Yes, it’s true. How I developed this astonishing and awesome power I have no idea, but none the less I have it and it’s an incredible burden that I now choose to share with you.

I possess the incredible ability to clear a dance floor for a radius of about 2 metres almost instantly.

No matter how hot the band, no matter how cool the music, pop me into the middle of the floor and within seconds there is a clear space around me that few but the most powerful, brave and excessively pissed can breach.

Of course how I use this incredible power in the battle against the forces of evil I have no idea. I mean let’s face it as Superhuman powers go, it’s pretty specific. But, should it ever be required, rest assured that I am prepared to do my bit for God and Country, although who’s God and what Country I haven’t really worked out yet.

And of course, what do I call my astonishing alter ego? I mean it was easy for Spiderman, Batman was a bit of a no brainer and quite frankly I think Superman, is perhaps just a touch immodest. You can tell Clark Kent isn’t Australian. Here, no one, no matter what extraordinary abilities he may possess would ever dare call themselves “Super“man.

I mean here it would be “Pretty OK“ man or “Not all that bad“ man. 

No, here in the land down under, the good old fashioned “Tall Poppy“ Syndrome is more powerful than Kryptonite and those who have felt it’s power will never be the same again. Hello to Mark Webber, Greg Norman, Rupert Murdoch, Paul Hogan and anyone of a dozen Olympic athletes or International Tennis stars.

But I digress. My Superpowers. I do realise that the demand may not be great, but one day who knows? I’ve applied to join The Justice League but they haven’t responded to my letters. The Avengers were sort of interested but I couldn’t raise the considerable joining fee and The Legion of Super Heroes were just plain dismissive. 

I wont give up though, I’m designing a costume as we speak and once I get my car fixed I can be in any nightclub, pub or live music venue in a 30 km radius within the hour.

Commissioner, you have my number.